New Life...?
Well, here I am with my last day in town (Prescott Valley, Arizona). It's a weird feeling, having lived all your life in one place, and then suddenly, within two weeks, having to pick up and go somewhere completely different (Idaho Falls, Idaho). I'd be nervous, if I hadn't spent the last 6 years of my life actively trying to dehumanize myself; emotion-wise, anyways. And that pisses me off now, because I've learned that what you, as a person, thinks is the only thing that matters. Be it a material or a psychological connection with someone or something, there really isn't anything else we humans know how to do. We're all 'materialistic' - it's just to what extent. I don't know what to think...I'm confused. And I don't know what to expect. I know nothing of the rest of this country, if not specifically Idaho, and though I expect it to not be much different, I still have this feeling of needing to expect a more visceral feeling that I'm "doing something different". It's not 'setting in'.
In my mind-set, I haven't changed much since I was 15; I've just had new 'ideas'. I dunno. I guess I have such a want that my expectations and goals will be met with this move, but there's still that lingering fear that nothing's going to change at all. Just the faces of people I know. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you, but I've never had too many friends - who I know is who I care about, nothing more, and whether they're privy to my caring for them or not doesn't matter. The only thing that's concrete right now (and has been for quite some time) is how I feel about myself, and whether or not I'm meeting my expectations as a person, and being a person who cares.
AUGH. I can't finish this blog. Too much shit going on in my head, and I don't know what to write. And I'm tired. So, I think I'll sleep. All's I know is that I want to miss everybody, and I know I care for them, but...the feeling isn't there. Or maybe it is, and it's over-shadowed by something. But I don't know what. Shit.
One note: I know how I'm getting there; I'll be taking a bus, from Flagstaff, AZ to Idaho Falls, ID, a 23-hour trip, with two layovers - Las Vegas, then Salt Lake City. With whatever I can store and carry on the bus. As much as I can. All I need is my guitar, amp, computer, and clothing. Then again, that's pretty much everything...